Okay here is the deal (on what has gone down in my follower group recently).
No one is obligated to educate anyone. Even if you want to learn, no one is obligated to educate you. Part of being educated is seeking out the knowledge yourself; it demonstrates that you actually have the desire to learn, and aren’t just demanding to be spoon-fed. Even if you are in a pre-existing relationship with someone, even if you are actively talking to them … once you ask for education, it is in their court. If they want to explain it to you, they can. But if they don’t want to, they are not obligated.
Furthermore, no one has an obligation to tell you something. Even if it upsets you not knowing it, even if it may negatively impact you. Because peoples’ personal information is their business, and not yours. I can understand having some phobia or fear of specific genital arrangements, but no one is required to tell you that they have that genital set. It would be nice. It would be very polite of them, and conducive to an open, trusting relationship.
But there are a million reasons why they might not feel comfortable doing so: some to do with you, and some not. No one is obligated to share that information with you. If you have a specific fear or phobia of a certain genital arrangement, the onus is on you to tell the person that, and then they may or may not disclose. That is their choice. But your mental health, your safety, is ultimately your responsibility. You need to make the decisions that are most healthful for you; whether that’s deciding not to continue a relationship if someone is not forthright about their genital status, or simply putting your phobia on the table for other people to know, or some other decision. But that is on you. Not on the other person.
I’m really uncomfortable with this attitude that several (not just one, but several) people on my dash have been displaying, which is that trans* people are obligated to be both educators and tell-alls, baring ourselves for cisgender people simply so that the cis people don’t have to take care of their own business. We are not obligated to educate. We are not obligated to disclose. We are not required to do anything but survive.
I could spend years explaining why we do not have to educate or disclose, but mostly it comes down to this: we are not here for your enlightenment or your comfort. We have our own lives; many of us have traumatic backgrounds or have had very bad experiences with being honest with others, and while I don’t condone lying, I also do not believe it’s appropriate to expect us to regurgitate information about ourselves or about transgenderism on command. And ANY assumption that are we required to do so is very not-okay in my book.
Obviously I don’t have the full story. But this, what I said, still stands regardless of the situation. We do not have to educate cisgender people, for any reason. There is a wealth of resources on the internet where we have already told everything we need to tell. We also do not have to disclose any information about ourselves that we don’t want to. And it is not our responsibility to tell you something just because you ask. It is not our responsibility to care for your mental health. That’s your own.